Only if he could possibly understand Great Exp
by Rissi-Sama
Summary: This scene is the scene of Pip's love declartion to estella, the really long one, from Estella's POV


**This Fan fiction is based on " Pip and Estella's" conversation as he returns as a young man to Statis House to find Estella to be wed to his despised acquaintance Bentley Drummle. I've always wanted to see this section from Estella's POV (point of view). **  
  
"Estella," he began, turning towards me, his voice trembling, " you know I love you. You know that I have loved you long and dearly," He continues. I raise my eyes to his face. Still I knit, in great inner turmoil, trying my very hardest to maintain my composure. Oh Pip, why did you to have to fall for me? Don't you know to love me is impossible? I have no heart that is capable of the love you profess for me. The love I know is one that brings pain and suffering to the one who receives it, and Pip, don't you know you're the last person I want to bring that kind of pain to. I say nothing to him. I wished I had never heard him utter those words of devotion. Mother looks at Pip and I, waiting eagerly for my reaction. I cannot give her one and choose to remain silent.  
" I should have said this sooner, but for my long mistake. It induced me to hope that Miss Havisham meant us for one another. While I thought you could not help yourself as it were, I refrained from saying it. But I must say it now." Preserving composure for me is difficult with Pip's passionate declarations, but still I maintain my composure. I only shake my head. I wish I were not so difficult to tell Pip what grave news I bear. Still Pip has more to tell me,  
"I know," he says, responding to my small reaction, " I know I have no hope that I can ever call you mine, Estella. I am ignorant what may become of me quite soon, how poor I may become, or where I may go. Still, I love you. I have loved you ever since I first saw you in this house." Pip, you are a curious lad and you seem to understand my position. I have even told you of the deeper affection that I bear towards you is nothing like the affection I bear towards my other suitors. Still you love me! What for? For making you cry? For insulting and wounding you as a child? This mental battle wages on, but I remain calm and devoted to my knitting.  
"It would have been cruel for Miss Havisham, horribly cruel, to practice on the susceptibility of a poor boy, and to torture me through all these years with but a vain hope and an idle pursuit, had he reflected on the gravity of what her actions. But I think she did not. I think that through the endurance of her own trial she forgot mine." So that has been what was on your mind. It explains your jealousy. Pip, you are such a dear friend to me, why must you be so in love with me. I see Pip glance over to my mother, and she holds her hand to her heart. Is this a motion of pity? My mother, having pity for a man who has fallen in love, and seen his heart broken as hers once was so many years ago. This action from my mother is all too bizarre I must respond to Pip's declarations.  
"It seems, "I say very calmly and without emotion, " That there are sentiments, fancies-I don't know what to call them-which I am not able to comprehend. When you say you love me, I know what you mean, as a form of words; but nothing more. You address nothing to my breast, you touch nothing there. I don't care for what you have to say at all. I have tried to warn you of this; now have I not?" I continue on. Reminding him that I have no real heart due to my mother's rigorous training. He gazes sadly at me; he comprehends but does not accept my answer.  
"Yes," he miserably utters. No Pip, why do you not accept my explanation? It is not devoid of logic. I must help him understand.  
" Yes. But you would not be warned, for you thought I did not mean it. Now did you not think so?" I again remind him of a meeting past where I told him of my heartlessness. He still looks pathetically and sadly at me, as sad as a young puppy that has been separated from his only master.  
"I thought and hoped you could not mean it. You, so young, untried, and beautiful Estella! Surely it is not in nature." Pip tells me, his voice full of vain hope that I will reform my unchangeable ways.  
" It is in my nature," I say with certain frustration to Pip, putting extra emphasis on 'my' in case he missed the point of my statement. He looks to me in doubt, searching my eyes for any sign of remorse or regret.  
"It is in the nature that formed within me. I make a great difference between you and all other people when I say so much. I can do no more." I continued, reminding him of the close friendship and trust we have. Reminding him he should be happy above all others knowing regard him higher than all the rest. But still he chooses to be deaf to my pleas.  
"Is it not true," Pip begins, "that Bentley Drummle is here in town, and pursuing you?" He ends, his voice hinting at jealousy. Apparently all that I have said has not been taken in by Pip. Does he not know that I am bred to break the hearts of men, and that any man I show romantic interest to is falling into a trap of self-hatred and a broken heart.  
"It is quite true," I reply, not disguising the hatred I bear towards Drummle in my voice.  
"That you encourage him, and ride out with him, and that he dines with you every day?" Pip says to me, I am quite shocked he knows this information, who gave it to him? The jealousy in his voice has gone from light jealousy, to a sort of panicky jealousy as I respond saying,  
"Quite true." Pip's eyes widen, and he says spastically without thinking,  
"You can't love him, Estella!" I stop my knitting; finally he has angered and annoyed me.  
" What have I told you? Do you still think in spite of it, that I do not mean what I say?" Pip chooses to not hear anything of importance I say; does he still think this is a game?  
"You would never marry him, Estella?" Pip asks, inside I sigh, if you reacted to my encouraging his affection in such a vivid way, how could I tell you this? But I must.  
" Why not tell you the truth? I am going to be married to him." If Pip truly understands my nature he will laugh for the poor boy that is to become my husband. But he responds in a painful sigh and drops his face into his hands. I glance at my mother who looks so moved with pity, something I never thought possible.  
"Estella, dearest, dearest Estella, do not let Miss Havisham lead you into this fatal step. Put me aside forever-- you have done so, I well know-- but bestow yourself on some worthier person than Drummle. Miss Havisham gives you to him, as the greatest slight and injury that could be done to far better men who admire you, and to the few who truly love you. Among those few, there may be one who loves you as dearly as I. Take him, and I can bear it better, for your own sake!" Pip just may have a point, I do detest the man, but I will enjoy ruining Drummle's happiness. That I will look forward to.  
" I am going," I say gently feeling somewhat sorry for Pip, "to be married to him. The preparations for the wedding are making, and I shall be married soon. Why do you injuriously introduce the name of my mother by adoption? It is my own act." Pip's face looks more horrified than it did upon my initial announcement of the marriage.  
"Your own act, Estella, to fling yourself away upon such a brute?" I smile to Pip and say  
"On whom should I fling myself away?" This comment meant to be retort to Pip's love for me, almost sounded like a plea for help to my ears. Pip must understand I cannot love; I have no choice but to continue my retort and explanation,  
"Should I fling myself away upon the man who would soonest feel (if people do feel such things) that I took nothing to him? There! It is done. I shall do well enough and so will my husband. As to leading me into what you call this fatal step, Miss Havisham would have had me wait and not marry yet; but I am tired of this life I have led, which has very few charms for me, and I am willing enough to change it. Say no more we shall never understand each other." Pip is within such a torment of despair! He now finally understands, I want to take this step myself, I chose Drummle over Pip. That is a fact; even if I may regret it, I cannot take it back now or ever.  
"Such a mean brute, such a stupid brute!" He urges to me, trying to get me to change my mind. It will not work.  
"Don't be afraid of me being a blessing to him," I say to Pip, hoping it makes him feel somewhat better, "I shall not be that. Come! Here is my hand. Do we part on this you visionary boy-or man?" I ask Pip, desperately wishing him to leave. I already doubt my happiness in this marriage and he is not helping me accept this marriage that I myself chose. He grabs my hand, but instead of leaving he cries,  
"Oh Estella!" He says while his warm tears fall on my hand, "even if I remained in England and could hold my head up with the rest, how could I see you Drummle's wife?" Pip says pathetically whimpering on my hand. In a vain attempt to comfort Pip I say soothingly,  
"Nonsense," he looks up questioningly, I begin to further explain myself, "nonsense. This will pass in no time." But my words do not cheer him as he raises his eyes to mine.  
"Never, Estella!" Pip declares to me passionately. The thought of Pip being a very devoted husband has crossed my mind numerous times, but it was not easy to see until now. Still, I will not wed such a good friend as Pip.  
"You will get me out of your thoughts in a week." I say again, trying to console the inconsolable. I am indeed fooling myself, Pip is the only one who knows who I truly am, yet he still desperately cares for me. He will not forget me, and something in the back of my mind says I will not forget him either.  
" Out of my thoughts! You are part of my existence, part of myself. You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough, common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then. You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since-on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkness, in the wind, in the woods, in the sea, in the streets. You have been the embodiment of every graceful fancy that my mind has ever become acquainted with. The stones of which the strongest London buildings are made are not more real, or more impossible to be displaced by your hands, than your presence and influence have been to me, there and everywhere, and will be. Estella, to the last hour of my life, you cannot choose but to remain part of my character, part of the little good in me, part of the evil. But, in this separation I associate you only with the good, and I will faithfully hold you to that always, for you must have done my far more good than harm, let me feel now what sharp distress I may. Oh god bless you, God forgive you!" Finally Pip finishes and if that isn't the longest, most eloquently passionate declaration of obsession I've ever heard I must have been asleep during all my other ones. I l look up at the poor boy who stares at me in such an adoring, hurt way. Moved by some sort of compassion from within me I smile a comforting smile but say nothing. Pip departs and I know that a chapter of my existence is over. 


End file.
